So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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