dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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