the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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