Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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