We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
