Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
