Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
