I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Did I show you my penis last night?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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