Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
