Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize