But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
