can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
