i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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