New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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