I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize