Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
