I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
