seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
