dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Randomize
