I hate your face
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
