It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
