So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
