history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
