i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
last night I used snow as a chaser
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