Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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