she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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