If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I love you.
Bad choice
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