glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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