Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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