im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize