i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My breasts were aching with rage.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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