I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
