Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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