there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
