awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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