Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
