Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
