For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
