the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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