I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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