if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
