I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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