I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize