One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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