I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
