he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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