I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
