Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
