I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
