i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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