I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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