I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Randomize
