Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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