If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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