Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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