Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
