I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
