So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
