My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
