someone threw a dead crab at me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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