the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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